Okay...

I was born in Hong Kong and I immigrated here when I was a kid. Moved back to Hong Kong to do some grade school and then finished high school/university in Toronto. These days I'm working as an illustrator/animator; I do motion graphics and stuff like that at a production company in Toronto. I’ve done other jobs before, but I kind of... arrived here after just working a bunch and realizing what I actually wanted to do. So that took me a while, but yeah... that’s where I’m at now.

Being an illustrator and animator, what are some problems that you run into that you think others might not experience?

Yeah... I think that nobody goes into this kind of field of work thinking, “I don’t love it, I’m just doing it for the money,” cause: A, Where the money at? because I haven't seen it yet. B, because it’s actually quite closely related to your own personal... I guess... it’s internally rewarding, right? Nobody draws art because someone told them to or something. There’s a lot of times you get into situations where there’s no distinction between your professional life and your personal life; you always feel like the last thing you did is the best representation of yourself. So if things go wrong (and sometimes it’s beyond your control, especially if you’re working on a project with multiple parts with multiple parties), you have to learn how to make that distinction as to not let it affect you in terms of your own self identity and your own self-esteem. So that’s something I think I struggle with... especially in the early stages.

What would constitute a perfect day for you? From the moment you wake up to when you go to sleep?

I wake up annnd... I’m hydrated, my hair is perfect and my room is clean. I get up, I have a nice, slow breakfast... most of the time I’m rushing. Around mid-day I’d be sooo, "Do whatever I feel like doing," and then I don't know... just decide what I wanna do during that entire day, and then I go to bed whenever I want to go to bed. Kind of like... a free day would be a perfect day, that’s what I’m about—chill day, no pre-made appointments where I can just play it by ear.

When was the last time you sang to yourself? To someone else?

Myself... I don't know actually... a week ago, two weeks ago? I mean if you’re like humming a song, or like singing along to some song that you’re listening to, I would say maybe two weeks ago? I’ve no idea what song it would’ve been. Last time I sang to someone... I think to a cat? We have a cat does that count?

For what in life are you most grateful for?

I think... I mean the very basic go-to would be that I'm grateful to be alive. I'm ALIVE, but also I’m living in this top, elite, social-economic tier, within like... the PLANET, okay? I’m not Warren Buffett, but there’s a lot of things that I don't have to worry about, and I can think about stuff like, self-fulfillment, which is a luxury to have as a thing that stresses me out. Yeah, there’s a lot of things that I don't even know I’m taking for granted. So to all the things that I don't even know I have to think about, I’m grateful for.

If you could change anything in how you were raised or how you grew up, what would you change?

I’ve thought about this before and... there are things that I draw direct connections between the person that I am now, and my childhood growing up. I think the things that are frustrating me now about myself are the things that I would change... but there’s also two sides to it. For example, I think I’m fairly... this is weird to be talking about myself in this way, but I think I’m fairly self-sufficient, fairly independent. I think part of it comes from growing up with parents that are more... you feel sad about something, or frustrated or whatever... it’s like being sad about it isn't going to make things better, so you gotta figure it out yourself. I just felt I should take care of it myself. When I was growing up I was definitely a people pleaser, it just kind of developed to a point where... now I started to realize that I don’t ask for help enough. I didn't really get it until very recently, even at work my boss has told me, “Hey if you need something, just let me know, we’re a team!” But I didn’t really actually take that seriously cause I was thinking, “Yeah, okay, great... this is just lip-service. I still gotta carry this project to the finish line.” So I'm kind of trying to be more mindful of that recently because I do that with work, I do that with my own personal life. There are very few people that I feel totally okay with in terms of telling them that I’m really not okay or struggling with something, because a lot of time when I do that with anyone, it makes me really kind of like... hate myself afterwards. So usually it’s people who kind of already get it in terms of this feeling where you need to take care of your own shit all the time—even if you’re just imagining it. So I’m trying to really work on that this coming year.

If you could wake up and gain any ability or character trait, what would it be and why?

Probably to be able to find anything. As you can see I’ve given this a lot of thought because I gave you an answer right away. [smiles] I lose things... I lost my Presto card maybe three times and I just really hate it when I lose stuff—it just seems to happen. If I could just have the ability to like.. anything I need to find... I could find it! It’d be great. Also really would be great as a side hustle: some sort of like P.I. type situation, like I can look for stuff and investigate the things. Just a useful skill I think.

What does friendship mean to you? Can you describe a best friend?

I think a best friend is someone who... that’s hard to say. I think a friend is someone who actually cares, and who kind of understands you in a certain way. I guess a really good friend, or a best friend, is someone who will think about your well-being when you’re not, be willing to get into conflict for your sake, get into an argument because that shows they care about you. They care enough about you to get into a fight with you. I think that later in life, it’s a lot easier to for people to be like, okay and then not say anything. You’re kind of putting yourself out there by arguing with someone or doing something you think would be annoying to them. So I think a best friend is someone that would actually reach out all the way for you.

Somebody that will... someone that makes me feel that I’m perfectly fine as of right now. Like there’s nothing that I really need to change about myself in any way. I don't need them to agree with anything I say for them to open up to me. I think also... this would be nice to have, but basically I think I have some friends that understand my compulsions enough that they can tell when I'm under a lot of stress—even when I’m not aware that I’m under a lot of stress. They will come and take care of me. They’ll be proactive about it, because I don't really... I don't really do that.

What is your greatest achievement?

That I haven’t given up yet. I think that’s my achievement so far—that I haven't given up. I’ve grown up with friends and peers who went to the same high school, went to college, started working and we get together every so often, and there’s people that I’ve talked to that have said that they wished they could leave what they were doing and try something else. It’s really hard when you’re kind of comfortable enough to not make that change. I think I’ve done that before in the past, in my 20’s and stuff; I was trying to figure out... well it's not even figure out, but come to terms that I actually wanted to become an artist, and to just arrive at that conclusion and actually do something about it, because you could arrive at that conclusion and not do something about it. At this point in my life, I’m... I know what I want, but now I just need to work really hard to get it, and continue to figure out more questions—I’m not gonna stop now. So it’s like that... that I haven't given up.

What is your most treasured memory?

I guess a memory that I treasure is... I don't know! That’s a hard one. These are such ego-centric answers so far, but I would say that... I think the moment that I decided that I was going to go back to art school after having done all this other stuff. When I was 25 I was like, “I’m gonna go back to art school.” I did this insane thing where I made a portfolio within a month and sent it to Sheridan. So I quit my job in December, and then in January, I'm all like, “I dunno what I'm doing.” Then my friend, who was in animation at the time told me, “Well Sheridan does portfolio submissions.” So he’s like, “You have a couple of days to submit your application, and then you have like a month to send in your portfolio." So I did that because I didn't have anything else to do anyway, and I got in by the skin of my teeth. Then it was like... “Okay I got in!” I basically told my parents about it and at first they were... I remember my mom being kind of shocked that it was another university degree program, potentially another four years of my life if I did the full thing. And her being kind of like... a little angry about it, I think... I remember feeling just really calm about it.

Before, whenever I tried to do anything, I felt like I was being scrutinized in terms of where my life was going to go, what direction I was going and making sure that I’m projecting a sense of... forward trajectory. Every time it just felt like these false starts, because I would do it and I'm like, “I hate this shit.” So now I did this... I did this thing in a month and I got in, so it was like... enough... maybe more than what I even expected from myself. Then I was just like, “Okay so... the results of this portfolio are telling me that there’s things about myself that I don't even know yet—things that I can actually do.” This is what I wanted. My mom was upset about it, and for me to no longer be reacting to that, I was like, “Okay this is the right choice, even if she doesn't get it." For a long time you grow up thinking, “I want my parents to understand me, I want them to validate me, I need someone to tell me that I'm doing something right, that I’m on the right path.” But it got to a point where this happened, and someone that I would normally feel like... I really need to make sure that they approved... they're not getting it, and it was fine with me. So I realized it was a decision for myself. That was an important moment because I think I started to understand that people disagreeing with you, or people pushing back on you: it doesn't mean that they don't care. A lot of times it means that they do. It also doesn't mean that they’re trying to bring you down, you just have to use it as something to... someone can still care and not understand. Even if someone doesn't understand, it doesn't detract from who they are in your life. That was an important point for me to understand. The reality is that nobody is going to know what YOUR path is. Most of the time YOU don't even know. You just have to... do it, and just be like, “This could blow up in my face, but I'm just gonna do it.”

What is your most terrible memory?

OH. Yeah I have a lot of bad memories. Most terrible memory is probably realizing that I was emotionally invested in someone to a degree that I didn't even realize: I thought I knew, but it was actually more than that. So I had let this person in to my interior life, and I don't think that things really happened reciprocally. I don't know if it was part-way that this person decided to shut me out, or if it was from the beginning, but they had no intention or desire to open themselves up to me, even though it seemed like they were. So I think that was probably a pretty bad memory, but it’s also kind of... it taught me to understand myself more, people more—people in the world more. After that I think I struggle a lot with this kind of intense amount of shame from the fact that I actually let someone in. So there's this kind of thought that occurs where you’re like, “I should've known better.” I had friends that were telling me that there’s nothing wrong in opening yourself up to people, but I think like... so now I have enough distance where I can be a human being, and I have made it a judgement and I acted on that judgement. So I’m not an all knowing, all seeing kind of person and... it is what it is. Yeah, I think it’s a pretty bad memory, cause there’s a lot of things that also happened beforehand. So it’s not like... it's a really looong drawn out thing, but the interesting thing is... now I feel more autonomous than ever. I feel more self-sufficient than ever and I’m wondering if that was just kind of... you almost feel like you’re masochistic in the sense where you value self-sufficiency over everything else. Even when shitty things happen you just kind of devalue the negative experiences and you're just like, “What doesn't kill you makes you stronger," that kind of situation. I don't know if it’s a weird coping mechanism, but at this point... it is what it is, and there’s tons of people on the planet that have had similar experiences. I definitely was tired of fitting myself into spaces that people allow me. I'm like this—take it or leave it. When someone says something that is sus... before I would just... joke around it, and then now I'm just like, “What do you mean?” and call them out on it.

What role does love and affection play in your life?

So... I’m wondering the difference between the both? Like the distinction affection and love? Yeah I have to make that definition. So I think affection would be general, social warmth. Love is more like... people actually care. Affection probably more when you’re socializing, and love is more when you’re around people that you actually want to be around. I think they’re definitely... you need them. I think I need to give love, as well as receive it. I think affection is... affection is like the veneer. So it’s nice... I guess? But it’s not, really; it doesn't sustain you, love is the thing that sustains you. There are people that are not very affectionate, but they really care about people, and they are genuinely invested in the well-being of others, I think I need I need to do that for the people in my life. It helps me when the people in my life did the same for me. Otherwise, it’s really hard to go through the day without knowing that people are thinking about your well-being.

Affection is like... let’s say you have a friend, (this has happened to me before), you have a friend and you tell them, “So there's this guy I really like and blah-blah-blah,” and they're saying supportive things like, “Ohh yeah, I hope things work out, he sounds like a great guy blah-blah-blah.” And then later you meet up in two months and you’re like, “Actually he was kind of a butt, so... I don't want to talk to him anymore,” and then they're like “Yeah.... I thought he was kind of a butt.“ So as a friend, you’re trying to say things that are soothing, validating and supportive, but I think that it's more affection than it is love. I think if it’s love, to me love is honesty, so to me love is someone telling me something that I don't want to hear, because they’re thinking of my well-being, someone who’s not afraid to make things uncomfortable. Affection again, to me is surface level. You know when you meet someone for the first time and you have really good first impressions of each other? You think, “We’re gonna be friends for life!” or, “I really like this person!” But that’s cause you’ve only just begun to know each other, you only see the surface. As you get closer you start to peel away this manicured appearance that everyone has, and you’ll get to these points where... you feel like you’re on the verge of getting into a conflict. Love... to me is when you’re willing to strip away the photoshopped version of yourself over time... for people to see you in all of your ugliness. So there’s good sides to you, there's ugly sides to you, everyone has this. I think love is when you are willing to share that with someone, you’re willing to share how ugly you are to other people and I don't think people can really do this with affection. I would say my parents aren't affectionate, but they're definitely loving.

Help me complete this sentence “I wish I had someone whom I could share....”

Whom I could share... my ambitions. Right now, I am in a very selfish phase in my life. So there are things that I want to do, other things that I wanna try, and I think it’s important for me right now for people to understand that there’s gonna be days where I'm gonna be emo as hell, cause I'm all stressed. But overall I'm doing what I want to be doing, or trying the things that I want to be trying, and I need make sure... I need to know... or I wanna know someone that understands that. The people that I kind of really end up opening up towards more are people who understand desire. There’s a lot out there, and there’s a limited time that you’re on this planet.

What do you like most about yourself?

I’ve had people tell me that I’m a nice person, and I don’t really know if that’s a compliment? But I think I’m empathetic enough—I don't need to be more empathetic. [laughs] Maybe that was more something that people like about me. What I actually like most about myself is that... that I haven’t given up yet.

When did you last cry in front of another person? To yourself?

Oh okay, in front of another person... maybe they couldn't see I was crying cause it was dark. I was just telling them about someone in my life that I just couldn't see myself keeping a friendship with. I just felt really insulted and I felt that... I don't think this is right for me. I still knew that for whatever reason I’m still attracted to this person, but for my own well-being I don't think if I could still be friends unless this person initiates an apology, or just tries to understand me more... and I don't think that’s possible. So I told my friend Ethan about this guy at the end of that day. It took a really long time because he actually worked with him. I introduced Ethan to this guy, because he wanted to work with him—he’s someone who’s a little older. So... this is someone that my friend Ethan kind of looked up to, and I told him, "I just needed to tell one person and it’s going to be you. I need to tell you this so I could just... let this go.” I personally understood what I needed to do, but it still weighed heavily on my mind—it really affected my own self-esteem. So I told my friend, and literally right after telling my friend, there was this... acceptance. There was this like, “Okay, I’m not the only one thinking about all this in my head now because I’ve told this other person, and they are validating my point of view.” And so... it sucks because in a way I didn’t want it to affect him (Ethan), but I was like, “I think as a friend you’d probably want to know that I was struggling with something.” I told him that, and it was really... probably like a tear while we were talking about it. So that was the last time I cried in front of someone.

The last time I cried to myself was like... I dunno... so there's deep reasons, and there’s stupid reasons, but I’ve definitely cried watching some movies on Netflix. These days I cry over the dumbest things... I think it was... OH! Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, at the end (SPOILERS), the guy Newt and the American lady: he’s about to get on his ship and go back to England, and he likes her I guess and he's like, “I'll give you a signed copy of my book when I publish it,” and then she's like “Yeah I’d like that,” and I just started crying and I'm like, “This isn't even sad I don't even know why I'm crying.” I mean know I’m crying, but I’m just kind of... wow I'm at this point... I think after everything that’s happened in my personal life... I really appreciate when people care. So over the past two years I’ve learned to really appreciate my friends, I really understood the depth of friendship, and how deep that could be.

What, if anything is too serious to joke about?

I never really understood why on the internet... well I kind of understand, but I don't really enjoy people making suicide jokes. Cause people... die in real life. I have a friend who lost a sibling to suicide as well... and then there’s just people who really are struggling with depression and mental health, and I think it’s... I feel for someone to be able joke about it, it’s because they haven't really been there before. It seems like something so far and removed, right? People prematurely dying, people taking their own life... something that would never touch their reality. I will tell you that... I think a good number of people, by the time they reach 30 will know someone who has died before they thought they would, either by suicide or something else.

What is something about you that people should know?

What people need to know meeting me for the first time is that... don’t agree with everything that I say. When I meet people—I don't know if it’s because of the way that I talk—but I’m not necessarily someone who would be like, “I dunnooo but like... this?” I'll just say it. If somebody is... if they disagree, they can disagree. I kind of find that more interesting, I’m not seeking validation, I just want to have an interesting conversation. If you actually disagree with me, or have a different opinion on something... I’m all ears. It's a first impression also, I'm just kinda like, ”You don't believe in your own thoughts enough? To express them?”

If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not telling someone? Why haven't you told them yet?

I don't know if there’s anything that I need to tell... anyone... anything... I don't have any knowledge that other people don't know, that they need to have.

The most psychotic thing that I realized about myself is that when I’m stressed: when I know there’s shit to do... what I do is that I give myself more shit to do... because it's a counter-intuitive thing. I'm like, “Oh yeah, I got a lot of stuff...” and then my initial response is like, “Ooo that’s a lot!” and then I'm just like, “No, fuck yourself, you’re gonna sign up for this other thing too, you're gonna DO IT.” If I’m doing more than what I initially said I was going to do, and I’m still handling shit, that means that I’m functioning. Which is really, like again a masochistic way of coping with life. Better than going to yourself like, “Yeah I'm just gonna eat chips in bed.”

Any last words of advice?

Care about people... like actually care. I think it goes a long way when you... really care. I feel like some people think that they do, but... not really, you know? Really think about why you’re doing something.