So...

I was born in mainland China, came here when I was seven. My family's the typical asian immigrant family: constantly working, and the only difference with my parents is that they were not as strict with schooling. It's surprising, they didn't know much about Canadian education back then, so I didn't take school as seriously as I wished I would've. I had an identity crisis until... I wanna say recently... I was so stuck between, "Am I Canadian? Am I Chinese, Chinese? Who am I? What do I want to do?" That spun into getting bullied in grade school, high school even university, but that was more racial I guess... I didn't know who I was, so I would try to be someone I wasn't. Let's just say that I know myself a lot better now. [laughs]

Okay so, fast-forward, identity crisis... whatever, that rolled into my career choices as well. I always worked... just to work, and because of that, I never knew what I wanted to do out of high school. So I spent the first four years out of high school jumping from full-time school, work then back to school... Didn't end up finishing but ended up in a tech program and landed an IT position within Rogers. staying for 2 years..will be working for Paytm Canada come February 2019, while also making people feel pretty on the side. I'm a certified skin specialist and permanent makeup artist... mainly doing brows. Funny thing is that, looking back, despite how insecure I was about my life, seems like my grade school self had it all figured out before I knew it. What I mean is, in grade school—I wrote in my yearbook that my aspirations were to work in the tech industry, in beauty and to have my own company someday... [laughs] Not that I really knew what I wanted to do back then, but working on that third one now yenno.

What are some things that you experience that you think others might not?

I feel like a lot of people have probably experienced imposter syndrome sometime in their life... I really felt that going into my position at Rogers. Not to say that I'm not good at my job. [laughs] I have pretty good metrics but honestly... everyone in my department has some sort of computer, engineering or IT degree and then there's me, [laughs] coming from six months of tech support experience and before that only three months in the tech program I was in. It was really hard not to feel down about myself, everyone goes through this when they get their first REAL job, but I think a majority of people go into the field they studied for in school... I guess what I learned from this experience is what everyone always says, “Network your way up.” I never understood that until I experienced it, corporate politics and all... But hey, if it works, it works!

I experienced racism towards Asian people for the first time when I went to Laurier, right out of high school. That was honestly one of the reasons why I couldn’t stay there. It went so far as the Caucasian... white students calling me names, going “Ching Chong ling long,” pulling their eyes... it was really bad. I grew up here and don't really have an accent but damn, just from the way I look... they were probably from the suburbs and had never seen a Chinese person. Then again maybe it was only directed at me... I wasn’t the only Asian person in my dorm.

Given the choice of anyone in the world, dead or alive, who would you invite to a dinner party? Why?

Inspiration-wise, it's really hard to pinpoint, I draw inspiration from a lot of creators... Michelle Phan, Marie Forleo are a few of them... but I think I'd choose Elon Musk—I'd like to see if I can even hold a conversation with him.

Would you like to be famous one day? If so in what way? If not, why?

Famousss... I don't like that word, but yes? I don't wanna be known as somebody that did it for publicity. I wanna be known as someone who's able to drive confidence in others, inspire others, teach gratitude or just educate in general. But I'm a long way from that, still trying to find that within myself... it'll happen one day.

What would constitute the perfect day?

Uhmm... I would plan the day the night before, so I don't have to wake up feeling mentally messy. It’d be silent in the morning, no rushing or questions... or talking. I’m a morning person but I prefer slow quiet mornings. Wake up early, maybe between six to seven, do some yoga, make my favourite breakfast. Hopefully have my outfit laid out for the day as well. [laughs] I don't know, decision fatigue is a real thing, especially for someone with anxiety. Wow, this is actually hard to come up with on the spot since my days are usually filled with to do's. I'd love if it were between 20-30 degrees (Celsius) out, so I could go out and maybe push myself to get more exercise. Come back, listen to motivational audio books, or podcasts... watch a shitload of youtube videos and anime. [laughs] I don’t know, have a nice lunch with lots of fruits, then take a 30 minute nap, yeah... right at two in the afternoon—I always get tired then. Get some chores done... hard to believe but I love to organize: clean space, clean mind yenno? Then run some errands, visit my manufacturer, lab, check on my booming business. [laughs] I’m currently manifesting it into existence. Do some fun activities, nothing specific is coming to mind right now but something along the lines of excursions. End the night off with dinner before eight and then not have any plans but to chill out the rest of the night. Oh, and factor kids into that schedule someday.

When was the last time to sang to yourself? To someone else?

I sang in the car last night, I guess I rapped? [laughs] Uhh, "Open Letter" by Lil Wayne. When I heard it for the first time, I cried. I listened to the track from the day his album finally came out and remembered all the lyrics of that track specifically.

For what in life do you feel most grateful for?

I wanna say that I'm grateful for what I've experienced so far... I was telling you about the bullying, the identity crisis, passion crisis... maybe it's just an age thing, but I feel like I'm getting to know myself a little bit better year by year. It's taught me to accept what life throws my way and just deal with whatever comes with it... Also of course, my parents, my family.

If you could change anything in how you were raised or how you grew up, what would you change?

Probably to be taught how to properly communicate, to be more confident, have more patience, enjoy school... That's a weird one, but not being able to finish school kinda left a scar. I always crave going back enough though I'm really close to my career goals.

If you could gain any ability or character trait, what would it be? Why?

Character trait... I was gonna say confidence, but that's something I'm already working on. [laughs] Character trait... does being less nervous and anxious count? It's definitely played a big role in all of my failures so far: I'd get anxious and can’t make a decision, my gut won’t respond and everything goes downhill from there. I wish I could reassure myself like I reassure other people. Yeah, I guess that goes into being confident as a whole—so character trait I'd want to be known for being humbly confident.

If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?

To be honest I kind of already do this. [laughs] It's called kau cim in Cantonese: you shake a cup of numbered sticks, the one that comes out represents your current life situation or will tell you about the question you have. I go to the temple once a month or so to do this... it’s pretty accurate for the most part and usually really specific. I wouldn’t say I rely on it, but I’m into the belief of some higher all-knowing power... I guess it brings reassurance and clarity when I can’t think for myself.

Is there something that you've dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it yet?

Probably creating more content. I used to do it: you can still find it on Youtube and it's stupid embarrassing. In grade school, my younger sister and a couple of friends, we used to vlog daily. Eventually we forgot the channel password, and now it's just stuck there! Crazy how we were only in fifth or sixth grade then, getting offered a partnership with YouTube back then was so much easier—wish we would’ve taken it... I want to definitely do that again. I feel... sometimes I'm so surface level, and that kinda goes into me not being able to find my passion. I’ll get into something start to finish but always feel like I’m not delving deep enough.... I want to create more content, get back into vlogging, website making, and actually enjoy it. Oh and, to travel, but money and time issues.

What is your greatest achievement?

I would say that I'm really proud of myself this year, for actually being able to push myself to do things I've always wanted to do. Like microblading, I woke up one morning and thought, "You know what? I'm gonna fucking do it." I probably should've thought about it, [laughs] cause I dropped quite a bit of money for a two day course. But I did it, and I felt so good after; same thing with micro-shading, my skin certification, then my website. If I don't do it now, I'm gonna continue thinking about it, overthinking, and then not doing it at all... just goes back to that gut thing. Impulsivity, is that a word? I think it’s an Aries thing. [laughs] The best decisions I’ve made were impulsive—when I went with my gut.

What do you value most in your friendships, can you describe a best friend?

I appreciate friends who check up on you every few months, even though you haven't initiated conversations with them... ever. It makes me feel like a bad friend but the conversations always start where we left off three months ago. Obviously they would have to be really supportive, lift you up when you're feeling down, or just let you be sad when you want to be. They have to defend your character when people talk shit. Someone who’ll be straight with you when you can't think for yourself. It's a lot to ask for... but I'd do the same for them.

Can you describe your most treasured memory?

[laughs] Sorry I was thinking of the typical Chinese child experience. Well let's just say it's not necessarily "treasured", but a memory that's most prominent is my mom chasing me around with a broom when I was six... I remember it so vividly, I don't think I was scared, I've always been hard-skinned when it came to my mom. I feel it's the most prominent because, [laughs] I don't wanna say it shaped our relationship, but my mom and I are definitely more friends than we are mother-daughter. The mother-daughter traits come when it needs to, but she's someone that I can confide in and I think it kinda stems from me being hard-skinned and being able to talk back to her when I was that age... that sounds so bad, [laughs] made more sense in my head.

What is your most terrible memory?

Definitely the moment I realized that I lost touch with my friends from school. I say that because I spent four years trying to be somebody I wasn't—for those friends to accept me. Obviously didn't work because people see through it, right? The worst memory was probably me realizing that, and having to accept the fact that I can't work on these relationships anymore. If they weren't meant to be, then it is what it is... I didn't understand what happened at first, but now I kinda get it: I never fit in, in the first place, I always tried to... I craved that acceptance, tried to lengthen relationships when they could've ended much earlier. I don't think it was necessarily bad, I was attached to the childhood memories... I don't feel pressured to make friends anymore. They come as they come, they stay if they stay.

If knew that in one year you would suddenly die, would you change anything about the way that you are living now?

Oh, I'd be more impulsive with travelling, for sure, 100%.

What roles do love and affection play in your life?

Bigger now than it did before, because now I know what romantic love is; I would say that I had a skewed idea of it at first. Now that I'm with the person I'm meant to be with, I understand what it's like to have somebody genuinely be there. Obviously, that came with a shitload of emotional insecurities, a bunch of issues the first year but... once you find that person, it's like, "Okay, this is how it's supposed to be," it's lifted me. I'm more comfortable with who I am, with my body image, overall confidence. It was one of those moments you go "Wow, I had a lot of judgmental people in my past." It wasn't only me judging myself, it was just constant negativity, you know?

What is something that people should know before meeting you?

I'm hyper-sensitive to the things people say and besides getting easily offended I'm actually really blunt... Oh, and I can't stand when people don't keep their word. Sometimes it comes off rude when I point it out but I don't mean to be. Maybe it's a defence mechanism from my insecurities... I have anxiety issues, so if someone feels intimidating and I choke on my words, most of the time I’m not saying what I’m thinking. Also, I suck at remembering names, [laughs] I could retell your life story and recognize your face in teeny photos, but I won't be able to remember your name unless I've known you for years and you're relevant in my life.

What makes you laugh? What do you find humour in?

I dunno... stupid shit. [laughs] Well definitely not the pain of others, I don't enjoy videos of people falling, hurting themselves... I don't really remember the last time I've laughed uncontrollably, I wish it'd be more recent, but I think something that lifts my spirits are dog videos? I know, so lame... it's just one of those things, when I'm just in a bad mood, I just watch dog videos. Oh, and when my hubs smiles his stupid smile when we’re in the middle of an argument, it's so annoying but I cant stay mad at that and we end up laughing.

What do you like most about yourself?

Hubs says that he likes that I'm empathetic to a fault, I don't know if that's a good or bad thing. Since meeting him three years ago, I've learned to appreciate my emotional expressiveness. I'm really good at talking about how I'm feeling for 30 minutes, he tunes me out after three... just kidding... maybe. [laughs]

What, if anything is too serious to joke about?

Definitely about the effort people are making to try to overcome their issues. People project their negativity onto YOU when they have something negative going on in their life. I was actually doing that with my hubs, and he had pointed it out and started asking me what issues I had with myself... I was so negative back then, about everything. Now I see this in others: people joking about sensitive topics or trying to put down other people’s situation cause they aren’t where they need to be.

If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anybody, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven't you?

I'd probably tell my younger sister (the one who annoys me the most), that she needs to strap the fuck down and start being more responsible around the house. [laughs] But also that I love her very much and am super proud of her despite how annoying her voice is and her know-it-all demeanour. God, she's everyones favourite outside of the family but they don't see how she is at home [laughs]. I haven't told her because she knows already. But seriously, we could get into a physical fight one day and act like nothing happened the next.

Can you share a personal problem that you're going through right now? What steps are you taking to resolve that issue/solve that problem?

Motivational issues, but this is a constant, not just right now. I have what I like to call fake grit—fake it til you make it you know? Probably comes from when I try to chase two rabbits. The saying is, “If you chase two rabbits, you won't get either one..." but I want to prove to myself that I can get what I want. So I end up constantly stressed and end up taking a nap... decision fatigue, it’s super unproductive and I always beat myself up over it... What I meant by two rabbits is chasing my dream to work in corporate and have my own business.

I’ve recently gotten into planning my day the night before. It's a pretty hard habit to keep, but man, when I do it and get to check off my long ass list of to-do's, it makes me feel so accomplished. Gives me a sense of daily purpose... probably should have learnt how to prioritize in school, but it goes back to me being good not great at school: list-making and studying wasn’t a thing until recently.

Any words of advice?

Don't doubt your own decisions... go with your gut and manifest the things you want into your life... you are thinking this for a reason, you want to do this for a reason, even if you don’t know it yet. Personally, when I doubt my gut and use logic instead... well maybe my logic isn’t strong enough, but my gut always makes the best decisions. I don't know if you've watched movies that are related to the butterfly effect, it's like one little thing can change your entire life. The general idea is that everybody lives in a bubble and that bubble is their own life timeframe, like... it's predetermined: you live up to a certain point and you would have different callings. Different things in your path that try to set you astray, and those things could've and can help you break out of that bubble, but that driving force where you're like... It's like getting up in the morning, I wanna get up at five: the next day, "It's five, why do I need to get up? Why do I wanna get up?" Well, what if waking up at five could bring you something that would've benefited you? So that's one of the things that I've learnt this year, inspired by that unsettling movie. Listening to your own voice and just doing what you need to do, don't listen to other people because, what if that was the one thing that could have changed your entire life?